I need help

I’ve realized I’m not happy. I’m not at peace. And yet, on paper, everything seems fine.
Tonight, by chance, I watched a video about dopamine - how habits slowly wear you down, day after day. It’s as if each habit is a step, and the direction you’re heading determines whether you choose the right path or the wrong one.

The video was made by a Florentine creator living in America, and it was fascinating. But what really struck me wasn’t the video itself, but the need to analyze everything I experience - what surrounds me, what I have, every moment I live - objectively. To sort it all into what’s good or bad for me, or rather, what I experience well or poorly, what I use well or badly, and why. To use my own perspective to understand which things bring me joy, and which bring me frustration, pain, or anger.

I don’t feel particularly negative about work. Sure, things could be better, but I don’t bring that stress home with me. What does weigh on me is managing my relationship with my wife and caring for my two-and-a-half-month-old daughter.
All of this is tied to how I spend my free time, how I manage myself, and the gap between what I want to do and what I actually do. Here’s what I’ve come to understand: many of the things I wish I could do but can’t are simply not worth it - they’re not important, just distractions. Others are good, but I have no desire to do them because they’re hard. Right now, my mental strength - my willpower, my ability to make the right choices - is struggling. In this moment of transition and growth, I find myself unable to make even simple choices: reading a book or wasting time recording music.

I used to read. Now I record music, but it’s become just another way to waste time. The difference is that I have no real purpose in doing this - just a kind of self-sabotage, clinging to the idea of success in something I know will never happen because I’ve undermined it myself by releasing my music under Creative Commons.

I don’t think there’s a simple way to solve this, but there is a simple way to start: dividing everything into right and wrong. Not in a rigid, moralistic way, but as a tool to see things more clearly, to ask myself questions, to reflect.

I just want to approach everything I do in the most positive way possible. That means if I don’t want to do something with my wife and I know it will hurt her, I should tell her, help her understand - but in the right way, the least painful way for her. I’d like her to understand that she, too, can give something up for my well-being.

I just want to raise this child well and carry this marriage forward, forever.
Like a ship navigating the world. I’ll make it. I’ve never taken it for granted, never doubted for a moment that it was possible. And that’s why I need to let go of all the stress that keeps me from being positive toward my wife - attentive, loving, kind.

Some might call this idea New Age. I’m not doing it without purpose, not to achieve something bad, but to find the serenity that allows me to live my faith, my dialogue with Christ, my dialogue with God. Because right now, I’m living as if there’s nothing.

I keep thinking about how waking up at 7 in the morning feels like a huge, necessary sacrifice. I wish I could wake up at 6 instead, full of energy, full of joy. That’s what I’m missing: physical energy, mental energy, spiritual energy, joy.

This mental energy is drained by all the unnecessary things - not just technological distractions, but all those thought processes, fears, the constant need to be on the defensive. It’s not easy, and I have so much inside me I want to express. I wish I could do it right now.

I don’t spend much meaningful time with friends, and when I do, it’s rare. I carry everything I’m going through with me. I want to be at peace. I want to be the kind of friend who listens, who welcomes, not just someone who dumps their problems on others.

I wish I had the courage to write about what I’m feeling now. I want to be productive. I want to start a podcast, paint, write music, and find success. I want all of this to elevate what I’m doing, not just help me escape from it.

Then there’s the realization that my work is already what I do. I can’t live two lives. I hope the Lord doesn’t want anyone to live a double life. I want just one - multicolored, multifaceted, but singular. I don’t know how to breathe, where to go, what to do, or how. I need help.